Double Trouble

Right before I matched with this particular individual, this was probably beginning of December, I had started this kick on honesty.

I knew I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted, but I wanted sex, I didn’t want to sleep over and I couldn’t have a relationship. People are generally pretty acceptive of this.

So, I matched with this guy on tinder, I cooed over his pets and he suggested I add him to Facebook. Normally this is a big no-no for me as I’m pretty big on my privacy, but I thought fuck it, he looks harmless enough. Sure enough, Sherlock here put two and two together, realized he had kids and a wife.

I asked if they were still together and then he explained they were polyamorous. I already knew what this was and I knew I wasn’t interested. I’m a selfish partner in the sense that I like the attention on me, but that being said when I’m dating a person, I devote myself to that person. I don’t have the energy to dote that much on two people. He had asked me what I was looking for, I stated sex, hang outs, nothing complicated.

He agreed.

He lied. They were looking for a unicorn.

I could fuck both of them, there would be two people to hang out with, always someone to cuddle, that was up late, always someone to text me back.

That sounds like a great set up, right?

No.

Not for me.

What happened? I kicked my roommate out. I was needing some alone time and so I said I needed some space because I was depressed and exhausted all the time. I self harmed and they freaked out. Told me that they would drop me if I ever did that again. Instead of it being about my issues that I needed time to process, they made it all about them. I got snapchats of her crying, he would send me pictures of her crying, videos saying she missed me. “Why was I doing this to them? Why wouldn’t I let them be there for me?”

When we did hangout, if I checked my phone he would teasingly say, “Oh, are you texting another guy?” Or when I wanted to go home, “You’re just ditching us. Probably going on a date with someone else.”

The more I asked for space, the more they tried to smother me so eventually I pulled away entirely. I told him I was honest from the get-go about what I wanted and he promptly told me I was a little bitch and deserved the treatment I got from my ex.

So, yeah, we went on group dates, we had threesomes, they took me to sex club, but ultimately it was too much of a controlling environment. I wasn’t allowed to see other people, I couldn’t express myself, couldn’t open up. It was all about them.

Obviously that’s not the case for all poly couples, but it wasn’t for me.

Let’s get this over with…

So, I slept with a few people from say September-November.

  • Fucking Ginger Asshole. This was a huge mistake. I was pretty deep in my depression at this point, my ex-roommate and I were going out drinking probably four to five times a week. I left my work uniform at work because I never knew what state I would show up in. It was 4am on a Saturday, we were just getting in from the bar, had both struck out, so she decided to invite her booty call over, and I decided to go to this randoms house.
    I decided to drive.Absolutely shit-faced. I got an ‘unsafe left turn’ ticket that cost me $145.00 because a cop blew a red light and I swiftly turned into the left lane. I composed myself but even after evading a DUI, I still went to his house. He was watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show porno, and came all over my chest way too quickly. Does that make him an asshole? No, not really. The week after, same thing, I drunk drove to his place because he was too lazy to come to mine and after telling me the week before he was unemployed, as soon as I got there proceeded to tell me he had to be up early in the morning so I would have to leave after…I was visibly drunk off my face and he proceeded to tell me I was fine to drive home…I did that to myself.
  • This one is easy. Met this guy at a karaoke bar, roommate went home with his friend, I took him home. He told me about how he and his ex had just broken up and he just wanted to be held. I told him I didn’t like cuddling and why would he come home with me if he didn’t want to fuck? (Double standard, I’m aware.) We cuddled until he got a hard on and he fucked me for all of four minutes. I later ran into him at my local watering hole and mid-dancing I proclaimed, “Hey! Didn’t we fuck?”
  • Lithuanian aka tattoo snob because his cost over $1,200 and took 22 hours so mine was a ‘simple’ tattoo. He actually invited me on a really nice romantic date, we hung out for a bit and just so happened to have sex after. (I have a problem with fucking on the first date…and by problem, I mean I do it all the time.) He asked me on a second and third date, and then ghosted me out of no where…
  • In between my dates with the Lithuanian, I went out with Ginger Straightedge. Who was just a fucking whiner. Late to our date, complained about the location, complained I picked up a pub even though he didn’t drink coffee, or tea. He didn’t want to go out for food…So what the hell was I supposed to do? In his tardiness, I got drunk figuring he was just going to stand me up. When I took him home he was obsessed with my ass. Fingers, tongue, all of it. I tried to suck him off and he slapped me away, he was uncut and he stated it was really sensitive…So we couldn’t fuck, he wasn’t very good at going down on me so, exacerbated, I put my hand on his shoulder and said it was okay, but thanks for trying. He called me a bitch, and I told him to get fucked. #winner.
  • Tiny Bumble. This guy I fucked, purely because I stood him up three times. Three times I invited him over for sex, he showed up, and I either bailed, passed out, or found something else to do because he took too long to get here. It was sweaty, gross, he came all over my sheets and later found out he was a previous patient at my office. I just remember his weird shoes and cut off pants. I should have realized after sleeping with him that men in open relationships aren’t for me, they don’t seem to try as hard.

After that, I took a three week break…and then I started seeing a Couple.

So, you’ve fucked half the city and you’re still not over your ex…

I haven’t really talked about my ex, aside from my first post.

I like to play off the significance of the relationship, but really, we were together for almost five years. We moved across the country together, lived together for two and a half years. He was with me when my grandmother died, when I was having issues with my father. We went to weddings together, camping, all that stuff that love sick things couples do.

We fought, like most couples. We had some pretty fair rules for fighting at the beginning, no name calling, nothing physical. Photos of us were frequently commented on by our friends with, “Relationship goals!”

I was a total idiot with how completely and utterly unabashedly in love with him I was.

Constantly told by family members how I bent over backwards for him, meal prepping, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the house. It was only until the last six months of our relationship I started asking for him to chip in more. By that point, he had moved to the guest bedroom and was living there full time. I had recently been diagnosed with a mental illness that came as a pretty harsh blow and naturally because I spent so much time taking care of him, he didn’t know how to take care of me, and at times just refused.

We were also separated from our families, I had difficulty making friends when we first got here but I continued to lie to family and friends that everything was fine.

I have a ridiculous amount of pride, even writing this post is difficult for me, so admitting that he and I had problems was not something I was comfortable with.

*Trigger warning for domestic violence and abuse below the cut. * 

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Apteryx owenii

Let me just start off by saying this was very clearly supposed to be a one-night stand.

It was 12:30pm on a Saturday night, I was in the smoking section waiting for my friend and some nitwit decided to make a comment that my white hair made me look like a Neo-Nazi. To which I went off on a big rant and informed him that my grandfather was a POW so I took particular offense to that comment.

In front of me was a tall, dark haired guy who laughed and shook his head and the guy’s belligerent comment and remarked, “You really don’t know how to pick up women, do you mate?”

He and I stood and talked for a bit, he bought me some beers, we ended up making out, and he came back to my place.

The sex was weird.

He was really loud, grunting and guttural. I had just got the outline of my sleeve the day before and he proceeded to drag his nails across my back and arms to the point I yelped out in pain. I just remember being annoyed by the entire ordeal because he smoked and the smell bothered me. I was drunk and frustrated, so at one point I just rolled on my stomach to block out the grunting.

About half way in my roommate came home and stumbled into my room without knocking and he was still inside me…He rolled over and I shrugged it off as she went on drunkenly rambling about making us all pancakes in the morning.

He was overly affectionate as I don’t like cuddling after sex, I don’t like to be spooned all night, in fact, maybe just head out after we’re done, is that cool?

The next morning came and my roommate stumbled out of her room with a tit hanging out proclaiming she was in no state to make breakfast so the kiwi and I took coffee orders and went down the street. He held my hand, which always make me uncomfortable because to me, hand holding is reserved for people I care deeply for, as silly as that is.

He told me about growing up in New Zealand, emigrating in Canada, his business, his band and political stance.

His was a nice enough guy, just at that point in my life I was far too emotionally unavailable for what he was looking for. The four of us went out for breakfast when he and I got back, like a weird little one-night stand fucked-up family.

Kiwi asked for my number during breakfast, saying he wanted to take me out and get to know me better and I mumbled my number as my roommate teasingly pinched my leg under the table.

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Spring has sprung…

And it can go fuck itself.

giphy

All these guys have come out of the woodwork recently. Within the last two weeks RodeoThe Russian and a few other guys I had exchanged numbers with, some I’ve met up with, some I haven’t, all started messaging me again.

Rodeo messaged me on POF, to which I promptly didn’t reply because he’s an asshole.

The Russian called me last night but I had deleted his number so it took me a few minutes to realize who it was and I had to blatantly say, “Uh, I’m really sorry, but who is this?”

I have no interest in sleeping with either of them again. I’m working on a few fwb who lives down the street.

Does spring just make everyone horny and throw shame to the wind?

Divorced MDMA

Was the best one night stand I’ve ever had.

Totally fucking babe.

Met while I was feeling sorry for myself over The Australian. We were about an hour outside of the city, my friend and I got a hostel for the night so we could just drink, dance, and then we’d lug ourselves home in the morning.

Went to a nightclub, danced, sweated, and drank way too much. I wasn’t particularly interested in taking anyone home because we were sharing a hostel with two other people and I was on the top bunk. I’d never fucked anyone in a bunk bed, and didn’t want to start at 26.

My friend had spent the night luring men from tinder out to get them to buy us drinks. The only problem was, there was about two or three different groups of men now circling. I wasn’t interested in any of them, and by the time it came around to last call she had paired off with someone completely different.

I was standing just outside the club trying to decide if I should walk home or grab a cab as she sucked face with this guy leaned across the fence when a guy walked in front of me and smiled.

He had just come out of the MacDonald’s with a hot fudge sundae and looked a bit like a space cadet with his goofy smile.

“Do you want some?” He was spooning his sundae and sliding it into his mouth.  Continue reading

Australian

Let me just say that I’ve put off writing about my summer flings because of this guy.

He and I hooked up in August and while some posts are recent, anything lengthy is usually before or after him.

I fucking hate him now.

He was supposed to just be a tinder hookup, and I was perfectly content with that, but he fucked it up with words, just a few key words.

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You’re 31…and by 31 you mean 37

Tinder Hookup.

Let’s call him TinderBob.

He got my snapchat from Tinder and added me, sent me some snaps, we chatted off and on. He worked up in Fort Mac and always told me when he was back down in Calgary but I didn’t really have any interest until one lonely Friday night when my then roommate wasn’t home and I decided to get drunk by myself in the apartment and invite him over at 11pm.

All I really remember about the encounter is how quickly he arrived. He showed up, we started making out at the door and I appreciated that he tasted like mint and not cigarettes. He was the guy I fucked after this guy, where I cried after.

Almost immediately he tried to get me to my knees at the front door, and drunk me doesn’t think blowjobs are a good idea, they’re either really good, wet and sloppy, or I gag a lot. I didn’t care to try so I just shook my head and dragged him to the bedroom.

The sex was mediocre at best. I didn’t even get close to getting off and at one point he just ripped the condom off and came all over my chest.

To this day I still have no idea where the condom is. I went looking for it the next day, couldn’t find it.

The whole thing was wrapped up in about forty-five minutes and I promptly blocked him from snapchat the next time he messaged me.

Fun Fact: He was on a group on tinder, my former roommate met up with a friend of his. He went to her house, they made out for about ten minutes and then he said he had to go to the bathroom…and then promptly left.

We can’t fuck anymore, we have different political views…

Less than a week ago I invited this guy over from OKCupid who I had been talking to on and off for the last few weeks. He came across as slightly underwhelming, but I had an itch and a few hours to kill so I invited him over.

Surprisingly decent dick, bald guy but such a hairy chest he was shedding on me. I didn’t get off, but it was fun so whatever.

Let me just casually slide in that he had branded himself on both his forearms. I made an offhanded joke before we started having sex, “You’re not in some weird cult, right?”

He laughed and said it was just something he decided to do at 16.

Turns out the condom broke, a fun fact I only discovered after fishing a piece out of me. I messaged him and told him, “It’s fine, I didn’t come in you or nothing.”

Fast forward to today, I sent out a shirtless snapchat, ‘I need about five orgasms to recover from the day I just had.’

His reply:

“I’m one of those evil right wing types of guys. Your a great girl sorry I can’t help you out.”

What.

What the fuck?

First, *you’re.

Second, I de-activated my OKCupid account about a three weeks ago, so he and I have only been communicating via snapchat since. Unless by some miracle he memorized my answers from OkCupid, how exactly has he familiarized himself with my political views? Not that it’s a secret or I’m ashamed of it, I just don’t really care when it comes to sex unless there’s very hardcore beliefs we don’t agree on.

I’ve been ghosted after sex, I’ve ghosted other people, I’ve had some weird excuses to not see me again, it genuinely does not bother me.

This one is just fucking weird.