Ruh Roh…

Real quick, so…Saturday night stupid cutie patootie slept over and we had done some edibles which accidentally made me super anxious…And I mentioned we should go back to using condoms as his whole thing was he wanted to experiment and basically sleep around.

He said he agreed and then, “Are you sleeping with anyone else.”
“…No.”
“Me neither.” 

Why did this conversation even need to happen?! Now it’s been replaying over in my head and fucking with me. The low self esteem is saying because of lack of opportunity. I’ve had opportunities to sleep with at least four other people while we’ve been hanging out…I just didn’t want to.

Here comes the dilemma: Continue reading

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Vacation~!

There’s a few dates and people to write about, one of which being the ginger I went out with who I assumed was joking when he said he didn’t floss. (He wasn’t.)

More importantly—I’m going on vacation!

I’ll be off to Scotland for Christmas to see my parents, going to spend a few days in London and then take the train down to Austria to visit a friend who is doing competitive Nordic skiing.

It’s still a few months away but I’m getting excited!

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Chicken

Sometimes I play this game with myself to amp myself up for a date.

It’s called: First Date or Cut off Your own Face

Helps me put things in perspective. Would I rather go through the potential anxiety of going on a first date, getting ready, having those awkward first 15-20 minutes, or would I rather just stay home and cut off my own face?

Dramatic, yes, but this is what online dating has pushed me to.

Stay tuned.

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BPD

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but I have BPD-borderline personality disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness that causes impulsive behaviors, intense mood swings, and issues with self-worth. More common in women than in men, one of the biggest hallmarks of BPD is an extreme fear of abandonment. They can take extreme measures to avoid real or imagined abandonment. On top of this fear, their markedly disturbed sense of identity, ongoing feelings of emptiness, and uncontrollable emotional outbursts often leads to unstable and chaotic relationships with others. It  is common for sufferers of this personality disorder to engage in frequent self-harm and risky behaviors such as unsafe sex, gambling, reckless driving, drug use, binge-eating, and spending sprees. Due to their stormy attachments to people, mood swings, and anger, they often find that their behavior tends to drive others away. People with this disorder also have a very black and white way of thinking, called ‘’splitting’’. They can go from idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

Which can make dating interesting. I know when I first started reading snip-its of  BPD it all sounded like a bunch of manipulative bullshit.

It’s not.

I think I might have to make a more elaborate post about it, I’m splitting right now about someone I had started to develop feelings for.

I struggle with telling people about it because of people’s reactions.

“You don’t seem like you have BPD.” 

“I feel like I totally have BPD. Sometimes I go like, totally crazy.” 

“I honestly don’t think you have BPD.” 

Always great to be validated when you open up to someone.

You know why I seem like I don’t have a personality disorder?

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Empty Feelds

Every time I think I’ve started to get back to posting things chronologically, something more interesting happens.

There was someone I missed, after The Couple, back in March, I got drunk told a stranger about my dip into polyamory, which lead to her telling me about Feeld. I was messaged by a guy who ended up living four blocks away from me. He asked if I had done anything with a couple before, I shared some experiences, he mentioned he kind of gave up looking for anything long term and his schedule was so frantic he just wanted something over nothing.

We chatted for a bit, agreed to meet up.

Looking back, this should have been my first indication to stay away from anyone and everyone that has anything to do with the army. (*No, I have nothing personally against the armed forces, it just so happens that starting with this guy, I ended up going out with few other army guys, and while they were great fun, kind of turned out to be douche bags. Generalization, perhaps but can’t say I didn’t do my research.) 

We hung out, he taught me how to remove a bottle cap in three different ways which was cool. The sex was mediocre. He was never available and always wanted to hang out for stupidly long periods of time and basically talk about how his life had averted to nothing.

He ended up telling me he was being posted to Latvia…and then I explained to him what ghosting was. Two weeks later he tried to add me to snapchat and I ignored it.

Probably the most annoying part about these kind of encounters is the lack of orgasm. I don’t seem to get anything physically or intellectually. Maybe I’ll start a Go Fund Me page for a better vibrator. Seeing as I broke my last one. 

Use your words

Probably my biggest frustration with online relationships, whether casual or long term is no one says what they want, if they even know what it is.

I pride myself on being one of the most honest people you’ll ever meet. Or, at least, top ten.

What do I want? Well–nope, never mind. No one gives a shit.

Type #1.
Let me see your tits. How do you like getting fucked? Are you a bad girl? Do you live alone? What the access to your balcony like? When can you come sit on my face/suck me off? You like it up the ass? How big are those tits? Show me your ass. *Dick pic. Dick pic. Dick pic.* I’m not bothered by this type, because at least there’s no runaround. What bothers me is when they sling around rude comments when I say I’m not up for it.

Type #2
I want your number. I want to text you until your phone explodes. I want pictures of everything, don’t care if they’re nudes. Your face. Your car. Your new pants. Show me, I want to see it all. Tell me how your day is going, I’m going to ask you again right away because I’m not really paying attention. Just talk to me. All day. Are you mad? Why aren’t you replying? You know for a fat chick you’re pretty picky. You’re just a bitch, fuck you.
Hey…want to hang out?

Type #3
J-j-jaded. All women are the devil. You’re all liars. My ex-wife/girlfriends/partners shit is still in my garage and maybe I’ll give it back to her, maybe I’m selling it on kijiji right now. Want to hang out? I can’t date, women just want to suck you dry after all, but come over, we’ll get high/drunk. I’m not weird, I promise. I’m still in love with her though. Let’s just hang out and maybe cuddle. I’m lonely. Come over and watch a movie, let’s cuddle.I may still be in love with my ex but I want to talk about how cool you are. She’s not cool, you’re so cool, so, want to hang out?

Type #4
I come across as half-decently normal. Make half-decently normal conversation but I don’t really ask you anything about yourself. I really seem like a nice guy, in fact, I call myself a nice guy. What do I want?
I want to hang out, fuck you a few times, and then chuck you because in a dispensable world of swipes and likes, you’re dispensable, and so am I.

Type #5
I want you to have my kids. I’ve recently lost weight/in the process want to start my new life right now. My new life change is happening right now my new job/passion/hobby I want everything to be about you but I don’t really care to get to know you slowly because I want it right now. I can give you everything, I’ll make you my queen, or maybe her, I’ll make her my queen too. It doesn’t really matter to me because I just want someone.

Yes, I’m fully aware that people do meet their partners on tinder/POF/OKCupid/Match, whatever, and I’m sure that they were none of the above. So far, for women, there’s only two categories as they LGBTQ community where I live isn’t very large. More poly couples that anything.

Maybe when I meet someone that I actually end up dating for a while, then I’ll revamp.