It’s not that I’m stuck about how to write about our time together. I know exactly what I want to say, I just don’t want to.
It’s like I keep trying to ram a sock in my mouth to keep the words from spilling out because secretly, as I think we all kind of are sometimes, I’m a huge, filthy, disgusting, appeasing sap.
I had one of the best, most romantic weekends with him. Spontaneous, fun, romantic. All I ever want. Simple. The problem is now he’s gone and I’m working on compartmentalizing away those feelings and trying to brush them under the rug.
To show how cool and casual am I about this whole encounter.
Cool and casual. That’s me…right.
The thing is, I’ve done this kind of thing before, we all have, but somehow it was different. He was different. Or do I just keep telling myself that because he was able to keep up with me? Because I either go full tilt or not at all?
I keep preparing myself to be disappointed by people, for them to show their true colours and I’ll get disgusted and shut them away. That part is easy because I know what I want and what I don’t want. I’m not picky, I just refuse to settle anymore.
There’s definitely more layers to him than he leads on, but not knowing doesn’t bother or concern me, and I’m not really sure why. He showed more than enough flaws that would typically turn my head, but then again…so did I.
So, here’s the problem, aside from the distance, aside from the mercurial attitude that changes faster than the tide—he is an expert at this. At turning his feelings on and off and he’s so good at it, he’s so good at doing it so quickly he doesn’t even see it as a problem. He sees it as genuine because for him, in that moment, it is and that works for him.
It doesn’t work for people like me. Stupid, blindly loyal people like me who stay in abusive relationships because they’re stubborn and committed. Because I was convinced it was my fault and I had to fix it. Loyal to a fault and even after you burn me I’ll keep icing the wound and trying to find ways to dimmer the flames until I finally cut you out of my life forever and never want to even mutter your name. That kind of loyalty is dangerous and stupid.
He did exactly what I was afraid he would do, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise.
I know if I ever show him this post he’ll hate it, he’ll scoff, get angry and accuse me of lumping him together with other guys. Maybe even being too dramatic.
Probably being too dramatic.
He told me from the start, I just didn’t listen carefully.
He’s very good at getting what he wants.