Types

So, I met the bread-crumber, who I’ve decided to affectionately refer to as ‘Toast’. (because we met, so it’s done…it makes sense to me)

Toast was mentioning how he had categorized women on social dating sites into three different categories. Hearing the opposing side of things is fascinating to me, especially experiences I’ll never encounter (ie: dating while male.)

I forgot the word he used to describe women in the ‘bottom’ category, but they were essentially women who were using sex as therapy because they were depressed/mentally ill or had, ‘daddy issues’. They would find men that would talk to them, validate their experiences, possible instances of abuse, but they either didn’t know how to seek treatment or didn’t want to. They were stuck in this cycle, they would attract men that only wanted to use them for sex.

The second category was the group of women recently divorced in their late thirties-mid-forties who had married young and never quite partied in their youth. Their recent freedom essentially gave them the ‘No Fucks to Give’ stance on life. On wards with the binge drinking, drugs and casual sex.

Last but not least was the third, I joked, “The horseback riding, yoga going nurses aka, the 10’s?” Stated, only because I’ve seen more male profiles that state, ‘Why is everyone on this site a nurse?’  This actually wasn’t all about looks as I assumed it was, Toast said it was more ‘girls who had their life together’. A statement I find interesting because at this point I seriously think everyone is just faking it. Everyone. Everyone is just coasting by because no one knows how to ask for what they want to make them happy.

Either way, those were his categories, subjective, I know. He’s also attractive, so I think his experience can be impacted by that…kind of like how my boobs work.

While I have mixed feelings about generalization…I think I’ll make a ‘Types’ as well.

Just the whole loaf…

Something interesting happened over the weekend. The cat came back.  Yes, breadcrumbing connoisseur messaged me.

Not even for anything sexual, it’s weird, we have each other on facebook, it’s almost like this weird friendship at this point because I do genuinely care about him…we just so happened to have never met. He dived a bit too far down into drugs at one point and I had worried something happened to him.

I had a few drinks by this point but managed to tell him about a few exciting things that had happened to me since our last conversation. He, however, had checked himself into rehab for three months and made a total turn around of his life.

Again, he said he wanted to meet up, and I told him I understood that I wasn’t really his type and I was okay to just continue talking. (Aka: I really honestly do think we’re better friends than anything.)

I’ve been focusing so much energy towards my health and skating I really don’t have the energy to divulge into anything more, but it definitely made for an interesting weekend.

Sweet disposition

It’s not that I’m stuck about how to write about our time together. I know exactly what I want to say, I just don’t want to.

It’s like I keep trying to ram a sock in my mouth to keep the words from spilling out because secretly, as I think we all kind of are sometimes, I’m a huge, filthy, disgusting, appeasing sap.

I had one of the best, most romantic weekends with him. Spontaneous, fun, romantic. All I ever want. Simple. The problem is now he’s gone and I’m working on compartmentalizing away those feelings and trying to brush them under the rug.

To show how cool and casual am I about this whole encounter.

Cool and casual. That’s me…right.

The thing is, I’ve done this kind of thing before, we all have, but somehow it was different. He was different. Or do I just keep telling myself that because he was able to keep up with me? Because I either go full tilt or not at all?

I keep preparing myself to be disappointed by people, for them to show their true colours and I’ll get disgusted and shut them away. That part is easy because I know what I want and what I don’t want. I’m not picky, I just refuse to settle anymore.

There’s definitely more layers to him than he leads on, but not knowing doesn’t bother or concern me, and I’m not really sure why. He showed more than enough flaws that would typically turn my head, but then again…so did I.

So, here’s the problem, aside from the distance, aside from the mercurial attitude that changes faster than the tide—he is an expert at this. At turning his feelings on and off and he’s so good at it, he’s so good at doing it so quickly he doesn’t even see it as a problem. He sees it as genuine because for him, in that moment, it is and that works for him.

It doesn’t work for people like me. Stupid, blindly loyal people like me who stay in abusive relationships because they’re stubborn and committed. Because I was convinced it was my fault and I had to fix it. Loyal to a fault and even after you burn me I’ll keep icing the wound and trying to find ways to dimmer the flames until I finally cut you out of my life forever and never want to even mutter your name. That kind of loyalty is dangerous and stupid.

He did exactly what I was afraid he would do, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise.

I know if I ever show him this post he’ll hate it, he’ll scoff, get angry and accuse me of lumping him together with other guys. Maybe even being too dramatic. Probably being too dramatic.

He told me from the start, I just didn’t listen carefully.

He’s very good at getting what he wants.