Let’s get this over with…

So, I slept with a few people from say September-November.

  • Fucking Ginger Asshole. This was a huge mistake. I was pretty deep in my depression at this point, my ex-roommate and I were going out drinking probably four to five times a week. I left my work uniform at work because I never knew what state I would show up in. It was 4am on a Saturday, we were just getting in from the bar, had both struck out, so she decided to invite her booty call over, and I decided to go to this randoms house.
    I decided to drive.Absolutely shit-faced. I got an ‘unsafe left turn’ ticket that cost me $145.00 because a cop blew a red light and I swiftly turned into the left lane. I composed myself but even after evading a DUI, I still went to his house. He was watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show porno, and came all over my chest way too quickly. Does that make him an asshole? No, not really. The week after, same thing, I drunk drove to his place because he was too lazy to come to mine and after telling me the week before he was unemployed, as soon as I got there proceeded to tell me he had to be up early in the morning so I would have to leave after…I was visibly drunk off my face and he proceeded to tell me I was fine to drive home…I did that to myself.
  • This one is easy. Met this guy at a karaoke bar, roommate went home with his friend, I took him home. He told me about how he and his ex had just broken up and he just wanted to be held. I told him I didn’t like cuddling and why would he come home with me if he didn’t want to fuck? (Double standard, I’m aware.) We cuddled until he got a hard on and he fucked me for all of four minutes. I later ran into him at my local watering hole and mid-dancing I proclaimed, “Hey! Didn’t we fuck?”
  • Lithuanian aka tattoo snob because his cost over $1,200 and took 22 hours so mine was a ‘simple’ tattoo. He actually invited me on a really nice romantic date, we hung out for a bit and just so happened to have sex after. (I have a problem with fucking on the first date…and by problem, I mean I do it all the time.) He asked me on a second and third date, and then ghosted me out of no where…
  • In between my dates with the Lithuanian, I went out with Ginger Straightedge. Who was just a fucking whiner. Late to our date, complained about the location, complained I picked up a pub even though he didn’t drink coffee, or tea. He didn’t want to go out for food…So what the hell was I supposed to do? In his tardiness, I got drunk figuring he was just going to stand me up. When I took him home he was obsessed with my ass. Fingers, tongue, all of it. I tried to suck him off and he slapped me away, he was uncut and he stated it was really sensitive…So we couldn’t fuck, he wasn’t very good at going down on me so, exacerbated, I put my hand on his shoulder and said it was okay, but thanks for trying. He called me a bitch, and I told him to get fucked. #winner.
  • Tiny Bumble. This guy I fucked, purely because I stood him up three times. Three times I invited him over for sex, he showed up, and I either bailed, passed out, or found something else to do because he took too long to get here. It was sweaty, gross, he came all over my sheets and later found out he was a previous patient at my office. I just remember his weird shoes and cut off pants. I should have realized after sleeping with him that men in open relationships aren’t for me, they don’t seem to try as hard.

After that, I took a three week break…and then I started seeing a Couple.


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