You’re 31…and by 31 you mean 37

Tinder Hookup.

Let’s call him TinderBob.

He got my snapchat from Tinder and added me, sent me some snaps, we chatted off and on. He worked up in Fort Mac and always told me when he was back down in Calgary but I didn’t really have any interest until one lonely Friday night when my then roommate wasn’t home and I decided to get drunk by myself in the apartment and invite him over at 11pm.

All I really remember about the encounter is how quickly he arrived. He showed up, we started making out at the door and I appreciated that he tasted like mint and not cigarettes. He was the guy I fucked after this guy, where I cried after.

Almost immediately he tried to get me to my knees at the front door, and drunk me doesn’t think blowjobs are a good idea, they’re either really good, wet and sloppy, or I gag a lot. I didn’t care to try so I just shook my head and dragged him to the bedroom.

The sex was mediocre at best. I didn’t even get close to getting off and at one point he just ripped the condom off and came all over my chest.

To this day I still have no idea where the condom is. I went looking for it the next day, couldn’t find it.

The whole thing was wrapped up in about forty-five minutes and I promptly blocked him from snapchat the next time he messaged me.

Fun Fact: He was on a group on tinder, my former roommate met up with a friend of his. He went to her house, they made out for about ten minutes and then he said he had to go to the bathroom…and then promptly left.

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We can’t fuck anymore, we have different political views…

Less than a week ago I invited this guy over from OKCupid who I had been talking to on and off for the last few weeks. He came across as slightly underwhelming, but I had an itch and a few hours to kill so I invited him over.

Surprisingly decent dick, bald guy but such a hairy chest he was shedding on me. I didn’t get off, but it was fun so whatever.

Let me just casually slide in that he had branded himself on both his forearms. I made an offhanded joke before we started having sex, “You’re not in some weird cult, right?”

He laughed and said it was just something he decided to do at 16.

Turns out the condom broke, a fun fact I only discovered after fishing a piece out of me. I messaged him and told him, “It’s fine, I didn’t come in you or nothing.”

Fast forward to today, I sent out a shirtless snapchat, ‘I need about five orgasms to recover from the day I just had.’

His reply:

“I’m one of those evil right wing types of guys. Your a great girl sorry I can’t help you out.”

What.

What the fuck?

First, *you’re.

Second, I de-activated my OKCupid account about a three weeks ago, so he and I have only been communicating via snapchat since. Unless by some miracle he memorized my answers from OkCupid, how exactly has he familiarized himself with my political views? Not that it’s a secret or I’m ashamed of it, I just don’t really care when it comes to sex unless there’s very hardcore beliefs we don’t agree on.

I’ve been ghosted after sex, I’ve ghosted other people, I’ve had some weird excuses to not see me again, it genuinely does not bother me.

This one is just fucking weird.

 

Just call me Mistress Snuggles…

So, interesting development.

I started working as a professional cuddler…

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I saw my first client last night. We cuddled for two hours.

I have a possible visit? Client? Customer? Receiver of cuddles? Set up for this weekend and two more possible clients set up for next week.

I went on the website as a half joke, half looking for additional incomes. It made me more sad than anything. I attended several relationship seminars in university to develop interpersonal relations with yourself, partners and loved ones, the common theme was human touch.

Backpacking 

Backpacking while single is in an interesting experience.

Everyone is in perpetual euphoria. Whether we get off or not we’re just happy to be out in the world , exploring, meeting new people and figuring out to get to the next destination as cheap as possible. When you backpack with five girls, four of whom are single and comfortable with their sexuality, sex is bound to happen.  (No, not with each other.) Continue reading