Time for wine, sweatpants and pizza

I’ve been on five dates with four different guys in the last week.

I’m exhausted.

Being hilarious is exhausting. Retelling my life story is exhausting.

My face needs a rest from makeup, I feel like a superhero constantly changing in and out of outfits to go out. I want to sit in my tub with a glass of wine and watch Hannibal.

…That came out a little darker than I intended.

Interesting dates to say the least, went on a few dates with some doritos *See below.

As my friend said, “There’s so many doritos in here it’s like a bag of chips!”

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  1. STD Stu, originally nicknamed ‘Muscles’. There was no other nickname for him because he had riblets (yeah, the thing Greek statues have.) Didn’t eat bread, beer or any of the food in my major food groups. We ended up going back to his house after we spent seven hours hanging out and then promptly fucked each others brains out for 9 hours. I thought it was going well until he messaged me three days later and accused me of giving him HPV…So, yeah, don’t think there will be a date two. Just so y’all are aware, I shaved my legs in my car, using snow for this guy. He was also hung like a horse and may have broke me, but whatever, worth it.

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2. Dodger. He plays dodge ball and I spent the majority of the night dodging his sexual advances, innuendos and his constant outreach for affection. He can’t keep pace with me when I’m walking, which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but I have small legs, I’m a heavier girl, you have to be able to keep pace because I walk very quickly! He gives off the impression he’s very eager for a girlfriend, but not doing the utmost to impress me…Aka, asked me to go to a movie, but I told him I was going to have my wallet in financial prison until I went on vacation so he just rolled over and whined rather than offering to treat me…He did kiss me on our second date and it was very wet and I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my pants as he watched me walk away.

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3. Baseball Mitts, gigantic hands, he was a concrete finisher. This happened very quickly, actually the same day I went out with Dodger the first time. Sunday evening, I was just getting settled in for the night, he and I had been talking for about four hours and he asked me if I wanted to go for drinks. He wasn’t very pushy when I said I was kind of tired, which I like, so I agreed. He was nervous as fuck. Normally I’m incredibly nervous, but I think I’m getting better at first meetings, so I asked the questions, kept it light. He ended up telling me he had a daughter that he was raising, he was just in the city for school until the summer. He made an offhanded comment that people always opened up to him, and after three or four drinks he told me his life story. It was a nice change, but didn’t really go anywhere.

4. Call me Panic at the Disco! The obvious nickname for the next gentleman would have something to do with the fact he had cerebral palsy, but when I creeped him on social media I was impressed by how goddamn attractive he was during his alt/emo phase when he dyed his hair jet black. How do I casually mention he should do that again? …’Cause he should. He is the primary reason for my cheeks hurting so much, we vibed really well, he’s not super clingy, he’s funny. I did, however, accidentally get him drunk by taking him to a beer house and ordering him the 10% beer because I had a coupon and then drunkenly gave him a kiss goodbye. He’s a really nice guy, I’m curious to see how things will pan out.

5. No Pan. No Planning, No Clue. The last date I went on was the absolute worst. The perfect example of how just because they’re pretty, doesn’t always account for much.

Example #1 “What’s your favourite colour?”
“What’s your favourite season?”

Example #2 Pretty sure he was high as a kite.

Example #3 He kept checking out the waitresses…I thought this was something that only happened in RomComs. Clearly not.

There is another interesting story I have to share, but I think he deserves his own post.

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