I’m not sorry it happened, just that it’s over.

While I was gone I realized I was in love with him.

He realized he didn’t take enough time from his last relationship to grow and be alone.

I can’t spite him for that.

Kiwi Ryan tried to push me into a relationship and I wasn’t ready. I needed time.

I can’t, can’t be mad at him, and I’m honestly not. Deep down I knew, I’m just sad. It was so good. We were so good together and I told him that. I don’t really want to go into the details of how it went down, how I know he loves me even though he didn’t tell me. I did end up telling him that I fell in love with him. Maybe that wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t choke down the words anymore.

He’s so wonderful, I hope someday our paths cross again if it’s meant to be.

The only thing that I keep playing over again in my mind, he said, “Well let’s call it what it was.”
“What are you talking about?”
“We were dating.”

I told him it never really felt that way to me, not really. I always hoped maybe one day but I didn’t want to push him. We didn’t take any pictures together, I didn’t feel like I could show him off. We didn’t hold hands in public. I know those are little things but I was so careful about the words I chose.

I can’t be in control of how he felt, we were happy, but the timing wasn’t right.

Time to heal my heart and move forward.

 

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Haggis and hills

So, I’m in the UK now.

My saint-like parents drove seven hours to pick me up from Gatwick back to Scotland. Why didn’t I fly directly to Glasgow you may ask? Probably has something to do with the additional $700 it would have cost me. Maybe next time I’ll just bite the bullet. Or not come during the busiest time of year.

My final night in the city we went to the Biologists grandparents for dinner, he answered to his inquiring Uncle about our status that we were an ‘item’…It makes me smile, but realizing, we’re an item of insignificance. I stayed at his place, jokingly said he was going to miss me when he was acting really cuddly, he buried his head in my shoulder and agreed.

I’m trying not to view this as anything other than what we agreed on.

Oh, I’m trying. 

I was telling my parents about him, sticking to my guns that I’m not committing to anyone until I’ve seen how they handle their anger. The other pressing concerns that rolls it’s way around my brain and slips off my tongue: He doesn’t want me.

We’re going to blissfully ignorant together in a non-contextualized way. I’m happy. Whatever this is.
I’m going to enjoy my trip.

My dad has planned a great itinerary for the three weeks I’m here. I just want to soak it all in, learn, hike and get to know my parents again. We haven’t seen each other in just over three years.

It’s strange seeing someone after so long. My dad and I have had a lot of issues in our past and I’ve had a lot of anxiety budding the last few days and I’m not sure if it’s the dampness or the jet lag.

I’ll be up the hills until I figure it out.

Stirling for New Years/Hogmanay if I ever figure out how to pronounce that. If anyone wants to go hiking let me know!

 

Well that surmounted to nothing…

We basically had a run around, anxiety fueled conversation which he admitted was mostly because he was in a depressive episode and self-sabotaging. To which I just flat out asked him, “What do you want? Do you want to still hang out? Do you want space?” 

He said he wasn’t sure. He was happy being with me but this week started to feel very serious. He didn’t know what he wanted, which of course I can’t help but take personally. All I can hear is: He doesn’t want you.

Like an idiot, I just said I wanted him, whatever format that comes in. However, there’s this sinking feeling I’m just being used. Emotionally, a little sexually, like I’m just a cardboard cutout. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, but this situation is starting to hurt now, because he felt the need to have a conversation about where things stood. We were both blissfully ignorant and now the reality of being forced to have labels is crushing.

We agreed to take the weekend to ourselves but at times during Friday it almost felt like a break up, but he said he didn’t want it to be over. Regardless, I took off to the mountains and hiked on Saturday. Sunday morning I was so goddamn mopey I tried to hike and ended up making it about forty minutes before I just started crying. Got lost. Cried some more and then the sun came out and had this awakening, ‘If he doesn’t want you, then he’s not for you.’ 

I know I’m being supportive, I know I’m giving him space, but I don’t know much else of what to do because I’m not a depressed man. Society has different, bullshit expectations for men regarding mental health, so I just don’t know what to do. He says he’s scared and I’m trying not to cross boundaries into ‘girlfriend’ territory so I don’t know what to do.

 

Let’s get back to me…

Because what’s the point of running a blog about myself and my dating life if I don’t talk about myself.

Did I mention I’ve picked up two more hobbies?

Hobbies are a helpful for anyone, regardless of mental illness. I frequently joke that I collect hobbies. My latest two being knitting and cross country skiing. I’m trying not to see working on my physical fitness as a hobby, but a life change.

So, the Army Pup is currently in Norway, getting ready to compete in some big army biathlon and, well he’s kind of been acting like a dick. He’s boarding with 10 other guys, which isn’t totally out of the norm, besides the fact he doesn’t have the weekends off and now he has one or two other guys in his room with him. He’s started calling me on speak phone with his mates chirping in every now and he’s upped his cheek, pushing the boundaries of what he can get away with. Aka: He called me on my break and he started asking me if I bleached my asshole…He’s aware of the state of my pubic hair, but he’s just doing it to be ‘funny’.  I’m started to feel a little disrespected and I’m not into it.

I called him out on it, he brushes it off as ‘that’s just how Brits are’, but this isn’t the way he’s been over the last five months, I don’t need the lip. He then tells me he wants to send me a Christmas present…

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The Biologist, formerly VD, I’ve changed his nickname as we’re still hanging out. Mentioned the same thing. I’m going to be in the UK from December 22-January 13…We’re not dating. Don’t mention Christmas presents! You literally have several free passes several. Don’t make it weird boys.

Also, the Biologist and I had plans to go out for dumplings, he then altered the plans last minute, “Oh, a friend of mine invited me for dinner, he’s American, having a few people over for Thanksgiving.”

He invites me, I like free dinner…and all of his friends are there…I’m opting not to overthink this one because that’s working.

However, on the drive back to mine, he initiates a deep conversation about relationships. He states he can learn to love anyone that he’s with and make it work, that clearly hasn’t worked in the past so, (from my understanding) he’s trying to be less eager, slow down. He mentions an Uncle that didn’t settle down/find love until he was in his 40’s.

I’m of the mindset that there probably isn’t a one true love because people change so often and you can spend your entire life searching, or you can recognize a great thing when you have it. Obviously don’t settle for good, but if you’re happy, on the path you want to be, then something must be working. Everyone has an idea of what their perfect partner would be like, but, I want someone real. I want someone with flaws. I want someone that challenges me.

I’m pulling this from my tumblr, and I don’t know the original author, but basically:

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What is this whole post saying then? About the people I’m choosing to be around, I want them to be a work in progress, just like me. Maybe no one ever really knows what they want in life, but I have goals and I’m going to continue to focus on them because when all else goes to shit, I’ll still have me.

Someone reassure me that age is just a number…

Because this boy is 23.

Granted, it’s not that old…only four years younger than me, but still. 

Just so happens to be built like a brick shit house, sends me the sexiest text messages and wants to call me every other day. His voice is also really deep. Another weakness.

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I’m supposed to be staying away from men. How did this happen?

We were talking today, I opened up that I’m secretly, buried deep down, very romantic and very touchy. I like giving back rubs, being attentive to my partners needs and he says, “When are you moving to the UK so we can elope?” 

I just started laughing as I thought it was cute, and he chuckles nervously and goes, “Aha…yeah…’cause I was joking…about that…” 

Of course the one who wants me is across the ocean.

 

I did the thing…

I brought up my concerns from this.

I basically said, “Look, I get we’re not dating. I’m okay with not dating because I don’t think I can handle dating right now. I’m always prioritizing the other person, in fact this is the first time I’ve prioritized myself in my entire life…but you kind of treat me like your girlfriend and I don’t know what’s up with that. I think it’s maybe because you’ve never had a friends with benefits so you don’t know how.” 

He replied, “We’re more than friends, I know that. I’m not sleeping with anyone else, but I’m not ready for a girlfriend. If that’s what you’re looking for and you need more support emotionally I understand.” 

We then had a long conversation about what our goals, anxieties, travelling and what we want for ourselves and deduced relationships kind of hold us back because we sacrifice what we really want.

I read a really amazing article about this, which I of course can’t find. Some of the articles out there are wishy-washy saying, ‘Oh, but this could turn into a relationship!’ Or, heard the word ‘situationship’ thrown around. I think what we have, just on the most basic level, is a friends with benefits. I do care about him, but we can’t be together. I have plans, goals. I want to get better at roller derby. I want to relocate. I want a better job. I can’t have someone depending on me or having my feelings manipulate my life choices.

I’m honestly okay with that.

 

Like a Queen

Let’s just jump right into it.

I pegged someone this weekend. I’m not saying who…you can probably guess…

I’ve had sex with a woman wearing a strap on, and I’ve used fingers/mouth but never actually pegged a man before.

It didn’t really do anything for me aside from making me really wet over how hot it was listening to him and watching him.

Definitely felt more in control, even when he went on top. There was a messiness issue, but it really didn’t bother me…like at all. Just cleaned it up and continued.

Would I do it again?

Absolutely.

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Mental Health Pt.2/forever

I’m finding now that I write more about BPD, I’m not really sharing what I’m doing to change or deal with the feelings I find overwhelming. *Spoiler: Which is most feelings*

First thing is I started roller derby. It gives me a center. If I don’t want to exercise, well you need cardio to be better at derby so go for a walk. Your legs need to be stronger, get your ass off the couch and do some squats It expanded my circle of friends to something that wasn’t drinking buddies.

I started eating better. Motivation to work out, gives me energy which is great because I feel tired all the goddamn time. A lot of time I’ll nap before derby practice and then internally yell at myself to get in the car. (Protip: I’m really, really mean to myself to get myself to work out. I would never say the things I say to myself to a friend, but it works for me, for now.) Continue reading

Ruh Roh…

Real quick, so…Saturday night stupid cutie patootie slept over and we had done some edibles which accidentally made me super anxious…And I mentioned we should go back to using condoms as his whole thing was he wanted to experiment and basically sleep around.

He said he agreed and then, “Are you sleeping with anyone else.”
“…No.”
“Me neither.” 

Why did this conversation even need to happen?! Now it’s been replaying over in my head and fucking with me. The low self esteem is saying because of lack of opportunity. I’ve had opportunities to sleep with at least four other people while we’ve been hanging out…I just didn’t want to.

Here comes the dilemma: Continue reading