Because this boy is 23.
Granted, it’s not that old…only four years younger than me, but still.
Just so happens to be built like a brick shit house, sends me the sexiest text messages and wants to call me every other day. His voice is also really deep. Another weakness.
I’m supposed to be staying away from men. How did this happen?
We were talking today, I opened up that I’m secretly, buried deep down, very romantic and very touchy. I like giving back rubs, being attentive to my partners needs and he says, “When are you moving to the UK so we can elope?”
I just started laughing as I thought it was cute, and he chuckles nervously and goes, “Aha…yeah…’cause I was joking…about that…”
Of course the one who wants me is across the ocean.
I brought up my concerns from this.
I basically said, “Look, I get we’re not dating. I’m okay with not dating because I don’t think I can handle dating right now. I’m always prioritizing the other person, in fact this is the first time I’ve prioritized myself in my entire life…but you kind of treat me like your girlfriend and I don’t know what’s up with that. I think it’s maybe because you’ve never had a friends with benefits so you don’t know how.”
He replied, “We’re more than friends, I know that. I’m not sleeping with anyone else, but I’m not ready for a girlfriend. If that’s what you’re looking for and you need more support emotionally I understand.”
We then had a long conversation about what our goals, anxieties, travelling and what we want for ourselves and deduced relationships kind of hold us back because we sacrifice what we really want.
I read a really amazing article about this, which I of course can’t find. Some of the articles out there are wishy-washy saying, ‘Oh, but this could turn into a relationship!’ Or, heard the word ‘situationship’ thrown around. I think what we have, just on the most basic level, is a friends with benefits. I do care about him, but we can’t be together. I have plans, goals. I want to get better at roller derby. I want to relocate. I want a better job. I can’t have someone depending on me or having my feelings manipulate my life choices.
I’m honestly okay with that.
Let’s just jump right into it.
I pegged someone this weekend.
I’m not saying who…you can probably guess…
I’ve had sex with a woman wearing a strap on, and I’ve used fingers/mouth but never actually pegged a man before.
It didn’t really do anything for me aside from making me really wet over how hot it was listening to him and watching him.
Definitely felt more in control, even when he went on top. There was a messiness issue, but it really didn’t bother me…like at all. Just cleaned it up and continued.
Would I do it again?
I’m finding now that I write more about BPD, I’m not really sharing what I’m doing to change or deal with the feelings I find overwhelming. *Spoiler: Which is most feelings*
First thing is I started roller derby. It gives me a center. If I don’t want to exercise, well you need cardio to be better at derby so go for a walk. Your legs need to be stronger, get your ass off the couch and do some squats It expanded my circle of friends to something that wasn’t drinking buddies.
I started eating better. Motivation to work out, gives me energy which is great because I feel tired all the goddamn time. A lot of time I’ll nap before derby practice and then internally yell at myself to get in the car. (Protip: I’m really, really mean to myself to get myself to work out. I would never say the things I say to myself to a friend, but it works for me, for now.) Continue reading
Real quick, so…Saturday night stupid cutie patootie slept over and we had done some edibles which accidentally made me super anxious…And I mentioned we should go back to using condoms as his whole thing was he wanted to experiment and basically sleep around.
He said he agreed and then, “Are you sleeping with anyone else.”
Why did this conversation even need to happen?! Now it’s been replaying over in my head and fucking with me. The low self esteem is saying because of lack of opportunity. I’ve had opportunities to sleep with at least four other people while we’ve been hanging out…I just didn’t want to.
Here comes the dilemma: Continue reading
The interesting part I’ve found about dating with mental illness is:
I either completely and utterly envelop myself in a person, I dedicate myself to them. I care about their happiness, their desires, their goals. I want to feed their fuel.
Or I don’t give a complete and utter shit about them.
I don’t get to choose. It just happens.
Here comes the problem.
There’s a few dates and people to write about, one of which being the ginger I went out with who I assumed was joking when he said he didn’t floss. (He wasn’t.)
More importantly—I’m going on vacation!
I’ll be off to Scotland for Christmas to see my parents, going to spend a few days in London and then take the train down to Austria to visit a friend who is doing competitive Nordic skiing.
It’s still a few months away but I’m getting excited!
Sometimes I play this game with myself to amp myself up for a date.
It’s called: First Date or Cut off Your own Face
Helps me put things in perspective. Would I rather go through the potential anxiety of going on a first date, getting ready, having those awkward first 15-20 minutes, or would I rather just stay home and cut off my own face?
Dramatic, yes, but this is what online dating has pushed me to.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but I have BPD-borderline personality disorder.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness that causes impulsive behaviors, intense mood swings, and issues with self-worth. More common in women than in men, one of the biggest hallmarks of BPD is an extreme fear of abandonment. They can take extreme measures to avoid real or imagined abandonment. On top of this fear, their markedly disturbed sense of identity, ongoing feelings of emptiness, and uncontrollable emotional outbursts often leads to unstable and chaotic relationships with others. It is common for sufferers of this personality disorder to engage in frequent self-harm and risky behaviors such as unsafe sex, gambling, reckless driving, drug use, binge-eating, and spending sprees. Due to their stormy attachments to people, mood swings, and anger, they often find that their behavior tends to drive others away. People with this disorder also have a very black and white way of thinking, called ‘’splitting’’. They can go from idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
Which can make dating interesting. I know when I first started reading snip-its of BPD it all sounded like a bunch of manipulative bullshit.
I think I might have to make a more elaborate post about it, I’m splitting right now about someone I had started to develop feelings for.
I struggle with telling people about it because of people’s reactions.
“You don’t seem like you have BPD.”
“I feel like I totally have BPD. Sometimes I go like, totally crazy.”
“I honestly don’t think you have BPD.”
Always great to be validated when you open up to someone.
You know why I seem like I don’t have a personality disorder?
Again, not posting chronologically but who gives a shit about mediocre sex when you get fucked like this.